I must send my
thanks to whoever
sent me the one
about rat poop in
the glue on
envelopes because I
now have to use a
wet towel with every
envelope that needs
sealing.
Also, now I have
to scrub the top of
every can I open for
the same reason.
I no longer have
any savings because
I gave it to a sick
girl (Penny Brown)
who is about to die
in the hospital for
the 1,387,258th
time.
I no longer have
any money at all,
but that will change
once I receive the
$15,000 that Bill
Gates/Microsoft and
AOL are sending me
for participating in
their special e-mail
program.
I no longer worry
about my soul
because I have
363,214 angels
looking out for me,
and St. Theresa's
novena has granted
my every wish.
I no longer eat
at KFC because their
chickens are
actually horrible
mutant freaks with
no eyes or feathers.
I no longer use
cancer-causing
deodorants even
though I smell like
a water buffalo on a
hot day.
Thanks to you, I
have learned that my
prayers only get
answered if I
forward an e-mail to
seven of my friends
and make a wish
within five minutes.
Because of your
concern I no longer
drink Coca Cola
because it can
remove toilet
stains.
I no longer can
buy gasoline without
taking someone along
to watch the car so
a serial killer
won't crawl in my
back seat when I'm
pumping gas.
I no longer drink
Pepsi or Dr. Pepper
since the people who
make these products
are atheists who
refuse to put 'Under
God' on their cans.
I no longer use
Saran wrap in the
microwave because it
causes cancer.
And thanks for
letting me know I
can't boil a cup
water in the
microwave anymore
because it will blow
up in my face.
disfiguring me for
life.
I no longer check
the coin return on
pay phones because I
could be pricked
with a needle
infected with AIDS.
I no longer go to
shopping malls
because someone will
drug me with a
perfume sample and
rob me.
I no longer
receive packages
from UPS or FedEx
since they are
actually Al Qaeda in
disguise.
I no longer shop
at Target since they
are French and don't
support our American
troops or the
Salvation Army.
I no longer
answer the phone
because someone will
ask me to dial a
number for which I
will get a phone
bill with calls to
Jamaica , Uganda ,
Singapore , and
Uzbekistan .
I no longer have
any sneakers -- but
that will change
once I receive my
free replacement
pair from Nike.
I no longer buy
expensive cookies
from Neiman Marcus
since I now have
their recipe.
Thanks to you, I
can't use anyone's
toilet but mine
because a big brown
African spider is
lurking under the
seat to cause me
instant death when
it bites my butt.
Thank you too for
all the endless
advice Andy Rooney
and Maxine has given
us. I can live a
better life now
because they've told
us how to fix
everything.
And thanks to
your great advice, I
can't ever pick up
the $5.00 I found
dropped in the
parking lot because
it probably was
placed there by a
sex molester waiting
underneath my car to
grab my leg.
If you don't send
this e-mail to at
least 144,000 people
in the next 70
minutes, a large
dove with diarrhea
will land on your
head at 5:00 PM this
afternoon and the
fleas from 12 camels
will infest your
back, causing you to
grow a hairy hump.
I know this will
occur because it
actually happened to
a friend of my next
door neighbors
ex-mother-in-law's
second husband's
cousin's beautician.
A South American
scientist from
Argentina , after a
lengthy study, has
discovered that
people with
insufficient brain
and sexual activity
read their e-mail
with their hand on
the mouse.
Don't bother
taking it off now,
it's too late......
